A GUIDE TO FINDING LOVE IN YOUR TWENTIES (or, whenever):
So this may make some of you upset, but we need to get this out of the way so I am just going to come out and say it: there is no such thing as soul mates. (Gasp!) But seriously. ELIMINATE THAT THOUGHT FROM YOUR (pretty, little) HEAD. I hear more and more women talking about how they wonder if they will ever find "the one" and I just want to shake each of them and scream, NO! Let's think about this for one second, logically. There are about, oh I don't know, a gazillion people that live on this planet - give or take. If you honestly believe that out of those GAZILLIONS of men and women on this Earth, there can only be one... then you better hope that fate would have him be your next door neighbor. Otherwise you are pretty much fucked.
So if I just crushed your dreams of finding your one true love, I apologize, but also - don't worry because things are about to get a lot better for you. By accepting that your one, pre-determined, soul mate is actually about as real as Manti Te'o's girlfriend, you can move forward in your search of finding something that I absolutely do know to exist: love.
Awww.
But on the real, if you haven't found it yet. I promise you it exists. I know this because believe it or not I have actually found it twice now (which also further proves my original point). If you haven't found it yet and are roaming solo somewhere in your twenties or thirties, then the odds are that the reason behind your singledom lies with your identifying with one of the following statements:
#1 - Something is wrong with me.
You can't hold one down it seems. You repeatedly find yourself in almost-relationships and always are left wondering what happened after it doesn't work out, yet again.
"Was it something I did?"
"Did I do something wrong?"
"Was I not pretty enough?"
"Not skinny enough?"
"Maybe he liked me too much, and couldn't handle it. Yeah. Yeah, that's totally gotta be it."
If you were thinking that last one, then yes, something is wrong with you, you crazy biatch! But if you had thoughts similar to the first four, then I am here to tell you that chances are... you are not the problem. The only problem (whether you want to believe it or not) is that you two were simply not right for each other.
Remember all that "gazillion talk" before? Well that equates to the fact that as many people that can be "right" for you out there, there can also be that many people that are wrong for you too. And unfortunately, sometimes we have to date some of the wrong ones in order to filter through to find the right one(s). Ya feel me?
So the next time a promising partnership doesn't work out in your favor, ask yourself questions like:
"What was really missing in this relationship?" (keep it real with yourself)
"What do I need that I'm not getting?"
(TIP: sometimes it is okay to be selfish - especially in finding exactly what you want)
Now take the answers to those questions, and look for those things in your next relationship. Isn't that the point of dating anyway?
#2 - I know what I want, and I am starting to believe this person doesn't exist.
Well, let me first congratulate you on knowing what you want. You are one step ahead of most! Congrats, friend. Now if this is you, then I have a feeling you've made the classic mistake of "too many advanced search options". You've over-narrowed. It's great that you know exactly what you want in a significant other, but if you have been searching and searching... and searching only to find that every single pursuit ends up being a couple of checked boxes short of your perfect person, then I want you to ask yourself this question - Is what I'm looking for reasonable? Because Heidi and Seal were like a seriously special case and they didn't end up working out in the long run anyway... (still a little sad about this).
So here are some DO's and DON'T's to help you refresh -
DO: seek qualities that people actually have (i.e. good heart, funny, romantic, adventurous, etc.)
DON'T: look for circumstances (i.e. someone from a small town, someone with green eyes, someone who is a specific height, someone who was brought up with $$$, etc.) These are all things that are out of a person's control. When you eliminate looking for these specific circumstances and open yourself to dating a little outside of what may be ideal, you might really surprise yourself in what you find.
DO: know your deal-breakers. We've all got em. I'll tell you right now mine are: liars (if you lie to me once, you'll lie to me twice, and I will always know when you're lying), someone with substance abuse (nuh uh not here no sir), someone stinky (I like a man who showers), and the big one - someone who doesn't get along with my family and best friends. By understanding what you don't want, it is much easier to get clear on what you do want. Kapeesh?
DON'T: compare yourself to your friends. Every single relationship is different and you should never ever ever compare yourself to your friends' relationships. Also, if they are happy - be happy for them!
DO: keep an open mind. All people have beauty inside of them.
DON'T: get discouraged. It sucks as much as it is true that those crazy, intense, once-in-a-lifetime loves typically only show up when you aren't actively devoting your life to finding them. The universe is a bitch like that. But it's soo true! so...
DO: enjoy your life as a single human being! Right now you are a free bird and it may not always be that way (or we should hope). So travel! if you want to. Take a class somewhere. Go on a retreat. Do whatever the hell you feel like doing because you are single and fabulous. And think, maybe if you put yourself in situations where you're doing things that you like doing, you might actually find someone who enjoys those same things too. Hmmmmmm....
"What was really missing in this relationship?" (keep it real with yourself)
"What do I need that I'm not getting?"
(TIP: sometimes it is okay to be selfish - especially in finding exactly what you want)
Now take the answers to those questions, and look for those things in your next relationship. Isn't that the point of dating anyway?
#2 - I know what I want, and I am starting to believe this person doesn't exist.
Well, let me first congratulate you on knowing what you want. You are one step ahead of most! Congrats, friend. Now if this is you, then I have a feeling you've made the classic mistake of "too many advanced search options". You've over-narrowed. It's great that you know exactly what you want in a significant other, but if you have been searching and searching... and searching only to find that every single pursuit ends up being a couple of checked boxes short of your perfect person, then I want you to ask yourself this question - Is what I'm looking for reasonable? Because Heidi and Seal were like a seriously special case and they didn't end up working out in the long run anyway... (still a little sad about this).
So here are some DO's and DON'T's to help you refresh -
DO: seek qualities that people actually have (i.e. good heart, funny, romantic, adventurous, etc.)
DON'T: look for circumstances (i.e. someone from a small town, someone with green eyes, someone who is a specific height, someone who was brought up with $$$, etc.) These are all things that are out of a person's control. When you eliminate looking for these specific circumstances and open yourself to dating a little outside of what may be ideal, you might really surprise yourself in what you find.
DO: know your deal-breakers. We've all got em. I'll tell you right now mine are: liars (if you lie to me once, you'll lie to me twice, and I will always know when you're lying), someone with substance abuse (nuh uh not here no sir), someone stinky (I like a man who showers), and the big one - someone who doesn't get along with my family and best friends. By understanding what you don't want, it is much easier to get clear on what you do want. Kapeesh?
DON'T: compare yourself to your friends. Every single relationship is different and you should never ever ever compare yourself to your friends' relationships. Also, if they are happy - be happy for them!
DO: keep an open mind. All people have beauty inside of them.
DON'T: get discouraged. It sucks as much as it is true that those crazy, intense, once-in-a-lifetime loves typically only show up when you aren't actively devoting your life to finding them. The universe is a bitch like that. But it's soo true! so...
DO: enjoy your life as a single human being! Right now you are a free bird and it may not always be that way (or we should hope). So travel! if you want to. Take a class somewhere. Go on a retreat. Do whatever the hell you feel like doing because you are single and fabulous. And think, maybe if you put yourself in situations where you're doing things that you like doing, you might actually find someone who enjoys those same things too. Hmmmmmm....
#3 - Marriage is for idiots.
Alright. I toootally understand that with more than half of our generation's parents' marriages ending in divorce, it can be a little discouraging when thinking about our own futures with someone. And also, maybe you are pretty sure that half of all your married or soon-to-be-married friends will also end in divorce because they got married too young, to the wrong person, or simply because marriage is for idiots. Well, maybe some will end sourly, but if our generation keeps going through life with this mindset, then how are we EVER going to believe in the possibility of a life-long happiness with someone?
Oh, wait - I know how! Listen up, because it is very simple:
We can be the game-changer. Yep, really that simple. You know why? Because we are the example now.
Our generation literally has the power the restore the sanctity of marriage once again. Think about it! If your grandparents are still alive, chances are they are still married. Am I right? Okay so go with me on this one... they were the example set for our parents (and yeah I know it was different back then because people just didn't get divorced and It was just the way it was, yada yada). Regardless, the fact that most of our parents marriages ended unsuccessfully after being brought up with two married parents - it would seem as though their generation almost rebelled against it. (Maybe because they saw two unhappy people that were staying together just because they were obligated to and didn't want that for the rest of their life?)
Wow guys, we are getting deep here. Okay stay with me on this one...
My point is, each generation learns from watching how our parents lived and we all hope to do better when we become parents. So in theory, each generation pretty much gets better at life. Ya dig? So for every person that grew up with divorced parents early on, the chances are that you probably don't want to bring your kids up in the same way. So the odds of you taking your time and finding someone that you are 115% sure is right for you, are much greater. So naturally, we'll have more successful marriages and long-term relationships. Ta-da!
Plus! It's 2013. Men are marrying men. Women are marrying women. The love is spreading, people! And people are getting so excited about just being ABLE to get married.
So if you are totally anti M-word, and truly never want to get married, then power to you. It is not for everyone! But if you do, kinda-sorta, maybe one day want to get married - just know that great relationships do exist. So don't fear your future. Give it a whirl.
#4 - I am way too busy.
I will keep this one short and sweet: if Jay-Z and Beyonce can find the time to make it work, then I'm sure you can figure something out.
The trick is just knowing how to prioritize your time. Don't waste your time, energy, money on guys or girls that you know in your gut aren't right for you anyway. When you find someone that is, you'll know - and you will magically find time for this person. Trust me. In the meantime, focus on whatever it is that is keeping you so busy - you busy bee!
#5 - I have literally dated everyone.
You've dated absolutely every genre of man (or woman) that lives in your direct area and are one cheesecake away from completely falling off the dating wagon and giving up. I've been there my friend. I've been there. It can be frustrating at times, especially when you know you are a total catch and everyone that you seem to find yourself on dates with is a total lehu-zehur (said in Ace Ventura voice).
Don't give up just yet!
Because there are (actually!) plenty of ways that you can still meet interesting people organically these days. Here are some suggestions:
1. Go for a walk. (whaaa? so simple?) yep! Get your cute little butt outside of the house and go for a walk through a nearby park, a local beach, a random neighborhood, whatever. Get moving and see where your legs take you. You never know who you might meet along the way.
2. Have a dog? (refer to #1) or hit a dog park. The "omg your dog is so cute, whats his/her name?" is a pretty easy opening line and gateway to conversation if you're both feelin' it.
3. Take a class. Check out Groupon or LivingSocial for discounts on fun classes in your area. You never know who you might meet while learning to make pizzas from scratch or how to salsa dance.
4. Get a gym pass. People are attracted to people who take care of themselves. So take care of yourself and see who finds you at the gymnasium. Plus, working out is fun and makes you feel all sexy and stuff. GETCHA SOME.
and if you are looking for something a little less-organic...
5. There is always the option of online dating. I know plenty of people who have actually found really successful relationships from people they have met online. So don't discount it. In fact, I am going to share a little secret with you... (I met my boyfriend online). (Omergerd!). It's true. And I am super happy too. My man is totally wonderful, beautiful, and could not be a better fit for me.
Seriously though, are we not the cutest?
So there you have it boys and girls! I hope my guide to finding love in your twenties helped you in one way or another. Just remember to always trust yourself no matter what and that when you find whatever it is that you are looking for, you'll know.
